We all say that this world is our battle ground, and I think I just face one of the ultimate fight I need to overcome.
As 2017 starts, my mind is overwhelm with all the commitments I have in hand. Aside from my current commitment at church, January month is my mom’s birthday, same month also there’s a wedding preparation, added by a year-end closing at work.
It’s not really about prioritizing, as the bible says in Matthew 6:33 “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” But for me, knowing myself, it’s an issue of acknowledging “support and help” from other people.
God want us to be dependent on Him, but I often neglect how He use other people for me to feel His presence.
Most of the time, as I take responsibilities, I wholeheartedly take it as my own. Which is actually good, but the problem with me is, literally I take it as MINE, EXCLUSIVELY! I don’t ask any help from others thinking I’m passing the responsibility which was given to me. And to prevent charging others when problem arise. Also, I don’t want to be a burden nor cause of any delay to anybody. As a result I do things on my own. Unintentionally disregarding the help from others.
First week in the beginning of last month, I started my mornings claiming Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” With a fresh well planned month, keeping that optimism within, that by God’s grace I will accomplish my mom’s birthday trip to Davao, wedding of Darlyn & Brix and to close the 2016 year accounts at my work.
Mom’s birthday trip was Jan.07-10; year-end close was set between 3rd week of Jan.; and the wedding was Jan.27.
Last March 2016 there was a promo fare from one of the Philippine airline where mom’s birthday trip all started. Imagine how long the preparation was, hahaha J
I filed my usual annual leave, also, my sister block these dates from her work. But I didn’t know that November 2016 I will transfer work. It was very difficult for me to accept it. After all the plan, savings and excitement, I was not able to fly back home for the said planned trip. Hahaha! And so, I told myself its okay, it’s my mom’s special day, the objective is for her to relax and enjoy. So I pursue “my plan” for them.
Week before their flight, I keep on messaging my younger sister and brother. I always remind them on what to do, what to bring, what to prepare for their trip. Every day I keep on asking if they’re done with what I have asked them to do. Reminding them on what else to be finished. Until my sister backfire me with a resounding “Please Ate (older sister), you’re stressing me out!”
She told me that she can do it, she can manage, and asked me not to pressure her.
Lesson #1 Mistrust. I fail to trust other people. Regardless who initiates the plan, I should have entrusted it to them (my sister & brother) without any reservation, knowing that I drop the whole idea when I accepted the new job. I’m not joining the trip anymore, and so I should have let them do it their way. Or better should have ask if they need my help, instead of forceful to do this and that. So, from there I stop, and apologize, no reasoning out and even I felt the irritation of questioning “why’s”, I mirrored on my mistrust. As a result, God bless their trip, they arrived and went home safe and overjoyed. 🙂
Now, closing of accounts at work is approaching, as well as the wedding. I tried to focus at work as this period in accounting is very critical, mistake is not allowed! My problem is, I cannot help not to think of things for the wedding. Often than not, if I remember something to be done I would take down notes or set a reminder for me to do.
At the back of my mind, I have this fear that I might missed out something for the wedding, at the same time fear of having error in my booking before the accounts close.
And so, that fear came to reality. I miscalculate entering dates in my booking, and that boo-boo reached our main office in Milan, Italy. I took the responsibility, apologize and accept my boss’s discourse wholeheartedly.
Lesson #2 Unfocused. I must not juggle things in my mind, and be motivated to do it out of fear. I noticed the more I dwell in a particular thought the more I entertain the possibility of situating it to actuality. I suddenly remember what Paul wrote to Timothy “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. – 2 Timothy 1:7”
It takes God’s grace and right heart to practice that “sound mind”. To free my thoughts from distraction and fear. God knows MY STRUGGLE with it. God requires my full attention towards His Word, and as my heart process it with the help of the Holy Spirit, then only it manifest towards my action and whole being.
And so, the upcoming wedding is near, learning from what happened previously, trust & focus is there, but found myself still sorry towards my behavior.
Here it goes, as I voluntarily present myself as a wedding coordinator, I started to take time on the budget; to be keen on things needed for the ceremony and reception; to take charge of the program and how it should flow.
I’m very tight for the couples budget, I have set a very reasonable plan for their expense, most of the time the couple would ask me which is better, what is more economical and practical. And more often I’m able to convince them to which “I” think is best.
But not during these last weeks before their wedding, were we all try to finish decorations to set up the venue. One day the bride told me that she purchased a set of jewelry for her to wear on big day. A pair of diamond earrings, necklace and bracelet. When I heard the price, I ask her “really? You spent that much because you just WANT that set?” I felt like that she was just carried away of her feelings upon buying the jewelry and not thinking the cost it would bring to them as a couple.
I thought that she is being irrational to justify why she bought that expensive jewelry. Supposed that the cost could be more useful after the wedding as they have to start a family, it would be better if she just saved it and bought a cheaper one, the fact that she will just use it once.
She looked at me and said “I really love that set, it’s an investment too, and can be use later on to some other occasion, it’s MY WEDDING, and it is once in a life time event, let me feel that I am special on MY DAY”
Lesson #3 Domineering. She’s right, it’s her wedding not mine. My role is to coordinate and make things organize, of their dream wedding. Help them out seek the best option out of their resources but not to the extent of depriving the priceless joy it will bring.
God made me realize that I cannot take His role of working in the hearts of people. I have my own reasoning and it’s not always right, and even if I’m right it doesn’t mean I can force other people to agree with me.
Sometimes even it came from God’s Word, it doesn’t mean I can make them believe and agree along, that eagerness within me to make other people understand things my way leads me being domineering.
Obviously I’m limiting what God can do. Taking over His role and not depending on the grace bestowed. The word of God was given for us to take and share and the rest is God’s work. Again, I apologize and let God intervene in their wedding. A lot of unexpected things happened, yet all turned out well by God’s amazing grace.
In conclusion, no matter how much we know what we’re doing, we have enemy aside from this world and satan, and that’s OURSELVES. Only God can know the intents of our hearts, and He definitely know how dangerous our mind and heart could be at. I’m personally blessed to all the people whom God used to rebuke me, and help me assess my walk and knowledge towards Him.
A great passage from Paul “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ – 2 Corinthians 10:5”
I really praise and thank God for His word, work, wakening in me.
Blessed day to everyone. ♡